the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
everyone’s a critic
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
incredible text to wake up to
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Every time.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.