when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
You Might Also Like
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”