Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
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Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this