Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You Might Also Like
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.