My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
You Might Also Like
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”