I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
ready to be harvested
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.