Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.