Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.