[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
#Caturday
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even