Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
that de-escalated quickly
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
#milo
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”