My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.