I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
A small tragedy.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
what it’s like dating me:
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere