Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?