this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…