Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
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[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late