this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Sing it!
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start