Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
LOL!
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork