*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.