If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.