[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
You Might Also Like
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart