Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
cyclists
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
😅🤣😂
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*