2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
who did the taste test?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow