it must be school picture day
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.