I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*