Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”