jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
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please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.