I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
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“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
See..?
.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper