somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Natural selection at its finest
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.