worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
my sentiments exactly
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.