Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.