How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
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[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.