Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days