[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously