Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
You Might Also Like
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning