Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
That’s what I call a flat tire
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.