if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My loaf of bread looks terrified