People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…