Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
pls suprot
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.