I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment