😆this is so true
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[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me if I was a dog
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know