me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
You Might Also Like
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Favourite diary entry ever
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.