you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
British websites use biscuits.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.