Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Fries, not lies.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.