Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Otters see a butterfly.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Doctors texting each other.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.