Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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I’m not lazy
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
pat pat
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.