Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Sing it!