My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless