10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
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[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Story of my life…..
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*