My work here is don’t.
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.