Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Monica just destroyed the internet
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ